Wednesday 18 September 2013

Monologue : Out of my head,NOW!

Its another rainy night. Another breezy episode by the window. But just that this time, there is no wind in my hair. Its too cold to let wind into my hair. Honestly, I am getting sick of such chapters being repeated over and over again. I mean c'mon, right? How many times will I harp on the same string? Cry foul? Obsess over how it is so sad that something so beautiful got broken into pieces? Annoying, right?

Yea. Just like the thoughts of you in my head.

How long will you take to get the fuck out of there? Its been several weeks for Christ's sake. Several weeks ago I cried, several weeks ago I mourned the death of our, oh wait, my little baby. That cheesy thing people call love.


I cant believe the person I have become. From the sappiest girl on the block to somebody who phrases out stuff like 'Emotions and shit like that'. From viewing couples as 'Awwwhh so cute!' to 'Eeeww cheesy!'. From listening to 'But daddy said 'Stay away from Juliet', and I was crying on the staircase begging you 'Please don't go'...' to 'One more fuckin love song I'll be sick'. From placing Sindoor for you to complete numbness.

What happened to me?

All I do these days is keep myself busy. So busy that I don't have a second to sit back and think. Sit back and contemplate. Sure, I do get lost in my day dreams now and then, but well. Until like an hour ago, I hadn't really faced my worst fears. Worst thoughts. Most loud silence.
I had started to like the chatter, you know. Just me, myself and I in my self obsessed world. Because I can't love somebody else, you see. Because I am selfish and don't really care about anything and anybody else. Materialistic world of eye liners, gifts, stilettos, dresses,glitters and stuff like that. This is why I like the days. I am busy when the Sun is out.

I don't like nights. Nights are a whole different story. Nights make me think of you. I miss you when the skies get darker. Sometimes I get creeped out know, then. You know how easy it is to spook me :) LOL! Those nights, I clutch the pillow harder. It gives me a sense of strength.

Oh wait, I just blurted out that I hug the damned pillow every night. Jeez! I told ya, nights make me go insane.

You know sometimes I actually dream about you! I still do. I wake up with a smile and then scold myself 'cuz that's not right. I mean its illegal. And pathetic. And errr, cheesy, I think.

But tonight, it will all change. You know why? It's because this amazingly retarded girl I call my best friend told me some amazing lines.

"The healing is in the aching. Missing is a part of moving on. Let's learn to put the past behind us, Nam. If people want to be in your life, they'll make an effort and stay. And when people are destined to stay, they'll find a way back. Focus on what matters. You do the bending. It's okay. You have suffered enough, enough of all the guilt and messed up soul stuff. This time you choose. Don't look back, don't. Embrace the current season of your life, because you know what Nam? This too shall pass".

You still remember her don't you? That baatuni-Punjabi-looking tall girl with crazy long hair and too-much-energy-she'll-burst-some-day? Her. She knows everything - right till the sub atomic levels of 'my' screwed-up-ness. She told me these words. Of all her non stop chatter with painfully long lectures and R&D of life, these simple sentences struck me.

She is right, after all. She has never been wrong. If I wasn't at your door throwing away the last shreds of self respect and dignity, it's because she was at my door closing it tight. If you haven't heard from me, if your phone never lit up with my name (if it's still stored in contacts that is ;)), it's because she has illegal rights on my SIM card and any violations on my part will lead to violent outbursts from the girl with too much energy. And hey BTW, I won't judge you on the name-not-on-phone aspect, the last time I saw you, your eyes didn't light up when you saw me. They were empty, just like how my soul is right now. Or, was.

If today I am smiling like my mouth will tear apart, if I am laughing my lungs off, if I am chattering like a monkey, it's only because of her. If today I am fucking fabulous, its only because of that tall girl whom I love a little just too much.

So, from tonight, I am kicking you out of my bed. I mean c'mon, you chose to walk away. Why am I here, still breaking my head, still singing sad ass songs, still telling myself about how things should have been, still punishing myself, still feeling a knot in my tummy and lump in my throat, still dying each day? Not worth it, not worth it at all.

Starting tonight, don't hate me if I don't kiss you to sleep. Don't hate me if I don't baby talk to you. Don't hate me if I don't cuddle when its a little too cold.

 Don't hate me if I don't love you.

Or well, do whatever you want to. Why does it even matter?

They were right when they said - 'If you love somebody, set them free. If they belong to you, they'll come back. If not, they weren't really yours'.

True, know?

I might still miss you now and then, still shed a tear here and there, but I will also know its a phase and it will pass. Because I owe it to that Punjabi-looking-non-Punjabi-girl. She keeps asking me to move on. And this time, I am listening to her.

Because, love is not enough.

Good bye, boy.

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PS: This is a piece of fiction. Any resemblance to anybody's life, total co-incident.

Tell me what you think :) 


  1. I can't believe no one has commented yet on such a lovely post.
    Ok first of all I love your blog, no wait, I am obsessed with your blog! :D I love your writing, your ideas, and even the way you expressed in words, the pain you went through in the last few months. I can totally relate to it, since I experienced an awful heart break more the two months back and I don't know yet if I moved on. It's confusing, coz on some days I am so strong, fabulous and complete with myself and on other days I am a mess, finding it hard to forget that something beautiful which I shared with someone is no more and that I have been rejected.
    Your posts have definitely helped me cope with my situation a lot better. Lots of love!
    P.S. I LOVE Blair Waldorf too :D

    1. Ooop so many typos! Forgive me for that.

    2. Hey, first off, I found no typos :D Secondly, thanks a bunch, like really :) I am so glad my writings are helping someone handle the shitty phase :) You can read 'Breakup diaries' section, might help you cuz I have sort of documented everything in summary :) *I assume you have read it by now though!* All I can tell you is, don't worry, don't over think :) It will take lot more time than two months, at least for me it did. And there are still days where I am absolutely lost. Its okay, you don't have to beat yourself up :) Just cheer yourself up - music, dance, art whatever it is that gets you working :) Or just take a nap, it makes everything better. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that somethings will never be how they were. Down the lane, you'll realize it and get the answers. Until then, just go through it all :D Its a lesson in itself, you'll know that too :D I am actually proud of you, for two months you are seeking help and already having bouts of 'I am awesome!' :D I was making more mistakes and figuring out how not to kill myself :'D

      All the best, love :) You can mail me if you ever feel the need to talk to, or just someone to listen to :)

      Good luck, lots of love :)

    3. Wow! That was such a warm response! I felt like I know you for eons! :) Wait, are you a libran/leo by any remote chance? :P(Ok, yeah I believe in all that stuff :P) And oh yes I have pretty much rummaged your blog and gone through every 'break-up' related post and truly felt every bit of what you have been through. I have been taking dance lessons on weekends for last few months, to be precise, Salsa. :) I have always loved dance, but trying out a western dance form has made feel so much better about myself, I have never felt sexier ;) :D
      I did go through the 'I wanna kill myself' phase, even more when I heard that he is getting engaged to a girl he left me for, someone he knows for barely two months! But I just felt bad for the girl and tried forgetting it all.
      I just wanna thank you, your response meant a lot. Trust me :)
      Cheers! :)

    4. Haha, no problem :) I am a true Aquarian maam :D But I do sport some Leo qualities, not very much though! (I am totally into zodiacs too, hifive! Its interesting, know?) Yea, the fiction parts do have a wave of break up feel, but I hope the sad ones didn't bum you out -_- Dance for you is writing for me, so yea you get the point :) I am so glad you have found a way to get it off your system. Whatever reason you guys broke up for, whoever is in his life won't matter to you love :) Its what they both chose, and you just dance it all away! Dont you worry about tomorrow, lets just live for today. Apologise if you have to, accept the apologies that you never got and that, will set you free :)

      Please is mine, I mean for somebody to be vocal about her personal life, I am happy you did :) I hope these comments someday help someone :)

      Good luck once again <3


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