Monologue : Out of my head,NOW!

Its another rainy night. Another breezy episode by the window. But just that this time, there is no wind in my hair. Its too cold to let wind into my hair. Honestly, I am getting sick of such chapters being repeated over and over again. I mean c'mon, right? How many times will I harp on the same string? Cry foul? Obsess over how it is so sad that something so beautiful got broken into pieces? Annoying, right?

Yea. Just like the thoughts of you in my head.

How long will you take to get the fuck out of there? Its been several weeks for Christ's sake. Several weeks ago I cried, several weeks ago I mourned the death of our, oh wait, my little baby. That cheesy thing people call love.

LOL.

I cant believe the person I have become. From the sappiest girl on the block to somebody who phrases out stuff like 'Emotions and shit like that'. From viewing couples as 'Awwwhh so cute!' to 'Eeeww cheesy!'. From listening to 'But daddy said 'Stay away from Juliet', and I was crying on the staircase begging you 'Please don't go'...' to 'One more fuckin love song I'll be sick'. From placing Sindoor for you to complete numbness.

What happened to me?

All I do these days is keep myself busy. So busy that I don't have a second to sit back and think. Sit back and contemplate. Sure, I do get lost in my day dreams now and then, but well. Until like an hour ago, I hadn't really faced my worst fears. Worst thoughts. Most loud silence.
I had started to like the chatter, you know. Just me, myself and I in my self obsessed world. Because I can't love somebody else, you see. Because I am selfish and don't really care about anything and anybody else. Materialistic world of eye liners, gifts, stilettos, dresses,glitters and stuff like that. This is why I like the days. I am busy when the Sun is out.

I don't like nights. Nights are a whole different story. Nights make me think of you. I miss you when the skies get darker. Sometimes I get creeped out know, then. You know how easy it is to spook me :) LOL! Those nights, I clutch the pillow harder. It gives me a sense of strength.

Oh wait, I just blurted out that I hug the damned pillow every night. Jeez! I told ya, nights make me go insane.

You know sometimes I actually dream about you! I still do. I wake up with a smile and then scold myself 'cuz that's not right. I mean its illegal. And pathetic. And errr, cheesy, I think.

But tonight, it will all change. You know why? It's because this amazingly retarded girl I call my best friend told me some amazing lines.

"The healing is in the aching. Missing is a part of moving on. Let's learn to put the past behind us, Nam. If people want to be in your life, they'll make an effort and stay. And when people are destined to stay, they'll find a way back. Focus on what matters. You do the bending. It's okay. You have suffered enough, enough of all the guilt and messed up soul stuff. This time you choose. Don't look back, don't. Embrace the current season of your life, because you know what Nam? This too shall pass".

You still remember her don't you? That baatuni-Punjabi-looking tall girl with crazy long hair and too-much-energy-she'll-burst-some-day? Her. She knows everything - right till the sub atomic levels of 'my' screwed-up-ness. She told me these words. Of all her non stop chatter with painfully long lectures and R&D of life, these simple sentences struck me.

She is right, after all. She has never been wrong. If I wasn't at your door throwing away the last shreds of self respect and dignity, it's because she was at my door closing it tight. If you haven't heard from me, if your phone never lit up with my name (if it's still stored in contacts that is ;)), it's because she has illegal rights on my SIM card and any violations on my part will lead to violent outbursts from the girl with too much energy. And hey BTW, I won't judge you on the name-not-on-phone aspect, the last time I saw you, your eyes didn't light up when you saw me. They were empty, just like how my soul is right now. Or, was.

If today I am smiling like my mouth will tear apart, if I am laughing my lungs off, if I am chattering like a monkey, it's only because of her. If today I am fucking fabulous, its only because of that tall girl whom I love a little just too much.

So, from tonight, I am kicking you out of my bed. I mean c'mon, you chose to walk away. Why am I here, still breaking my head, still singing sad ass songs, still telling myself about how things should have been, still punishing myself, still feeling a knot in my tummy and lump in my throat, still dying each day? Not worth it, not worth it at all.

Starting tonight, don't hate me if I don't kiss you to sleep. Don't hate me if I don't baby talk to you. Don't hate me if I don't cuddle when its a little too cold.

 Don't hate me if I don't love you.

Or well, do whatever you want to. Why does it even matter?

They were right when they said - 'If you love somebody, set them free. If they belong to you, they'll come back. If not, they weren't really yours'.

True, know?

I might still miss you now and then, still shed a tear here and there, but I will also know its a phase and it will pass. Because I owe it to that Punjabi-looking-non-Punjabi-girl. She keeps asking me to move on. And this time, I am listening to her.

Because, love is not enough.

Good bye, boy.



PS: This is a piece of fiction. Any resemblance to anybody's life, total co-incident.

Tell me what you think :)