Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Break Up Diaries : The First Chapter

I can't believe I am writing a post on how to handle a break up. Months ago, a crying mess myself, I had sworn never to be happy, never to get off my bed, never to see light. And here I am, a lot more wiser, a lot more stronger, a lot more beautiful inside out. A lot more than what I was, months ago :)

This topic is very close to my heart. I keep receiving mails from girls my age and younger asking me to help with their heart aches. Though I always reply back, I have always felt the need to write a heartfelt post for all the broken hearts out there. I am just 20, I still don't know life. I still am not way too wise. Some things might seem ridiculous to those of you who have more wisdom and have seen more of life. But yet, I'll pen down my thoughts because somewhere out there, there might be girls who are so my type :)  I didn't know the impact of a break up until recently. Break ups are under rated. Its going to be a wordy, lengthy post. I'll post another one with pictorial quotes. So yea, read on only if you are interested :)



Okay so lets get straight to the point. A break up doesn't happen. Its breaks. Breakups can't be made by one person. It just ends because both of you are somewhere a little too messed. Just like that. Just the way you shift the side when you sleep. In matter of seconds. Its only about how fast the words get uttered. If you are initiating a breakup, you'll have your reasons. All I can say is, please be gentle. The other person you are letting go is still in love with you. If you can't be nice, please don't be mean and say rude stuff. Yes, both of you are hurt. Yes, the other person has wronged you, that's what has led to the breakup. Yes, you have all the rights to move on with your life, to cut away the person. But for the sake of the good old times, be gentle. Don't say harsh words. Don't give a list on why you are dumping them. It takes ages for them to trash can your judgments.

My only focus here is the one that got dumped. So yea, all the things below are totally biased.

Lets get started.

1. Accept it.
Yes, its over. Accept it. The more time you spend in denial, the more tough it is to accept the reality. Understand that its over. Let the fact that the relationship is no more there seep into you. Don't deny it, don't fight it. That's the way it is.

2. Cry it out.
Keeping in the hurt, bottling in your emotions will damage you in the long run. Cry, cry out for fuck's sake. I have seen people go on like nothing happened right after the tragedy. And weeks after that, when the tragedy is now a faded history, they start crumbling down to ground. And before you know, you have a bigger, weaker mess to deal with. So don't hold it in. Cry. Take some time off. Cry all night if you want to. Let your emotions flow. You'll end up with god awful headaches, so keep some Aspirin handy.

3. Don't beg
Nothing takes a toll on your self esteem than being told 'No!' after having begged for days. The feeling of being rejected, coupled with the feeling of being unwanted by the person who wanted you most, sucks. This is where most people slip into depression. That desperation of wanting your ex back will make you do anything. ANY THING. So make sure you aren't letting yourself be too miserable. Because one day you'll turn back and hate yourself for being clingy.

4. Talk
This is what helped me. Personally, I have gem of friends who dealt with me like I were a small kid. There were nights when they would stay on phone with me till wee hours of 3 AM just to make sure I won't do anything stupid. Yes, things like slitting and gorier stuff like that. Everybody has a best friend. You have yours. Talk. Talk it all out. Its not wrong to tell what you feel. Its totally acceptable to want to throw a chair at your ex's face. The point is, breakup has many phases. The denial, the anger, the hurt, the hatred, the acceptance, the peace. The peace like the silence after the rain. Don't bad mouth your ex. You'll get nothing out of it, just a lot more of frustration and guilt.Also, keep in mind that people will fish for information. Be smart enough not to disclose. When people ask or listen to you, 20% of them genuinely care. Rest of them are simply curious. Know how much to divulge without giving away your privacy. No matter how tempting it is to be the damsel in distress, do not disclose your story to the world. Its your story, its your privacy.

5. Stay away from social media
Facebook/Twitter can be a horrid reminder of what you both were. Unfriend them, or hide them from your Newsfeed. No matter how childish and lame this seems, you don't need the constant updates on their life. At least not this soon when you are a ball of unstable mess yourself. What they ate and whom they went out with. What are they up to in life.Worst of all, cryptic messages and status updates filled with rage and how awful a person you are. Its none of your business anymore. You'll want to stalk, resist the urge. You'll be dying to post sad statuses, or worse, toxic statuses that will definitely be full of hatred. Don't. You are much better than that. If you are unable to handle it all, deactivate your account. Its Facebook, after all. You have much better things to deal with. -_-

6. Raise above hate
Yes, this is what gives you the serenity. Accept the apology that you never got. Apologize for your mistakes. If there is something you can do to correct it, go ahead and do it. If not, apologize and mean it. Do good things to others. Make somebody smile. Be a rainbow in someone else's cloud. Karma will reward you. Don't hate him/her. Its not worth it. Remember, once upon a time you were in love with them. And just because its all gone, it doesn't mean you'll become a psychopathic bitch raging with anger, gun in hand. No. Don't let your wounds turn you into a bitter person that you aren't.

7. Find a hobby
This is what your passion is. This is the way you let go off all the hurt. If you are into art, its THE fantastic way to heal. Use art as a medium of expression. I write. I write when I am sad, I write when I am happy. None of my writings here have been planned. I sit down, I type, I post. I never sit and plan because for me, writing is a way of expression. Literature is my soul's reflection. My writings are the best expression of myself, and I know not to plan my expressions :) So start a journal, or a blog. Keep it private if you want to. My best friend says how my best writings happen when I am messed :D I ruefully, agree with her. Lose yourself in the art. Express everything you have ever wanted to. Its your art, its your life.

8. Take care of yourself
I lost close to 7 kgs in 20 days because I had quit food. (Its sad how I see it as a positive aspect :P) Until my aunt took me to task and belted me, I had made a mess of myself in all realms of life. I had spent the days on bottles of Fruity, and those too because my friends pushed them down my throat. I fell ill. I looked like a walking zombie. For days, I wore sweatshirts to college -_- Hair undone, deep dark circles, the crazy bunking classes. Oh boy! And now, I cringe at those memories because these people that took care of me then had some real guts, I looked like a malnutrition-ed vampire -_- So yea, eat right. No matter how bad the nauseating feel is, eat. Even if you keep throwing up. Your body will learn to keep food in, and not reject out everything. Remember you are acting out. And that it is okay and healthy.

Wanna listen to sad songs and slowly transition to metal? Do it.

Want to eat bowls of ice cream for days and nights? Do it. Remember you'll have to extra kick your own ass when you start working out again. Cuz you'll :)

On that note,

9. Hit the gym
Nothing can ever replace of feeling of pumping it out at the gym. Go ahead and workout like a mad woman. Extra squats, extra crunches, boy push ups. Yea, I told ya about compensating for all the bowls of ice cream.

10. Believe.
You'll find love again. There is a lot more to life. At one point, you'll get sick of all the crying and moping around. Time heals. Someday you'll wake up, and you won't feel the pain :) It takes time. Just go through every emotion. The key to feel better is not to fight. Its not important to win all the battles, you have a war to win. You are in a war against yourself, not anybody else. There will be moments when you'll miss them, there will be moments when you'll want to rip your head off, there will be moments of 'Bitch please! I am fabulous' and next moment you know you are down to the ground weeping your eyes off. And you know what? Its okay. Its human enough to do that. Been there, done that. When these moments get to you, just be there. Don't give them importance. Don't try to replace the feelings, they'll go away like they'll.

11. Don't enter rebound relationships - aka new relationships too soon
There comes a phase where every other guy/girl looks like potential boyfriend/girlfriend material :D And no, its not just you. You'll end with multiple crushes, and that is okay too. Every other person who will care for you, you'll start wondering if 'he/she is the one'. And the answer is, nope. This phase is of rebounding and here is where you have to trudge carefully. This is where most of us are super vulnerable, and this is where, excuse my languages, assholes take advantage. The 'love' you think you have found is just you finding the best qualities of your ex in these people. There, I said it right. There is nothing cute about baggage. You have to take your time of before you enter a new relationship. You have to learn to build the bridges. You have to learn to have no feelings for the ex - no love, no hatred. There will come a point where you'll achieve this, and you have to learn to wait till you get there. Because the second time you'll fall in love, you don't want to repeat your mistakes. You don't want to be baby sitted, cuz well, you are not a baby. Your new significant other shouldn't pay for your fears. All men aren't pigs. All women aren't bitches. If you carry bricks of your old relationship to the new one, you'll of course build it just the old one.

12. Find your source of optimism
Its not been an easy journey for me. If only I make a list of all the quotes that I have read, all the songs I have listened to, all the stories I have burnt midnight oil for, I will launch a second Pinterest. Find your source. Pinterest boards, infectiously optimistic friends (I have one fellow, he is just so freakin' optimistic, he gets annoying sometimes -_- But then when I go to sleep that night, his words keep ringing in my head and make me smile and before I know, I am sleeping like a baby. Worth it eh?) Find quotes, write them on the back of your hand. It helps so much, promise. Oh and find your mantra. Mine is ---- This Too Shall Pass. Never has any other quote given me more solace than these four simple words. Oh and this song.



13. Love yourself
This should make to the top of the list. But well, its over used :P Honestly, fall in love with yourself. Flaws and all. Be self obsessed, its okay. Nobody knows your struggle like you do. You'll encounter people who'll call you a bitch cuz you broke his heart. You don't have to answer back, you don't have to justify. You don't have to attend all arguments you are invited to. People will take sides, his/her friends will talk about how screwed up you are. They'll spit venom. When you know you have done your part, shut up and let the world talk. Its not your concern anymore. You know why? Because you have to worry about yourself too. And that is okay. Be in love with your life, every minute of it. Nobody can love you more than you do. Don't give up on yourself. Be in awe with yourself. See how beautiful you are, inside and out. You are talented, and awesome. You are fuckin fabulous. Trust the strength in you. Believe you are stronger than the whole world against you. Because you are. Stop giving a damn to opinions about you, everybody has one and it doesn't matter. You know why? Because its your life and you are living it. People might try lessening the pain, but nobody can live it for you. Because you know why? You owe it to yourself, your parents, you friends. There is this brother of mine. Someday he tells me, "See if you keep breaking your head over unwanted people than spending time with me, your most awesome brother and hero, I'll feel insulted okay? I love you so much and all you do is tell me how glum you are? You are this girl I look up to ya :\ That girl who is so happy to see me each morning, runs to me to give a hug and pulls me into her arms like I am the bestest brother ever. I mean ya that's the truth 8) 8)  but well. Do you know it makes my day? Do you know it kick starts a beautiful morning for me? You should be that. Yes, SHOULD be" and that evening, I finally knew why people had tears of joy. My aunt, I met few days ago, looked into me and said, "You know I like this girl. I love this baby of mine. Happy, vibrant, so full of energy - hopping around like she ate dynamite. The twinkle in your eyes, the charm and the vibrancy, the zest for life. This girl, I am proud of. Not the weakling crying over past. This girl will achieve. This girl will make a life for herself" and nothing can ever beat the proud parent feel that she had on her face :) There is Rashmi di who take care of me like her own. She was my Agony Aunt, giving me real advice. No shit. Remember that the whole world still loves you. And your value doesn't decrease based on someone else's inability to see your worth. Those who tried to break you are expecting you in fight mode. Conquer them with your peace.




14. Let them go
Yes, just let them walk away. The best way to do this is to stop fighting thoughts about them. Trust me when I say this. It is THE easiest way. When you stop feeding the thoughts with your attention, they'll go away. As simple as that. I used to believe in destiny. In the fact that plans work. Know what? They don't have to. Quoting Blair Waldorf - Destiny is for losers. If you want to make something happen, then go make it happen. Doll, you don't need anybody that doesn't need you. No matter how snooty the previous sentence sounded, its the truth. As young girls, we are taught to always be nice to people, and to be sweet and docile. Lady like. Nobody ever tells us about the pain of being alone. We are always safe in our family, arms of our dads and brothers. And aunts. But then, you'll not learn life until you undergo a tragedy. Pain makes us stronger. If you have survived a day without them, you can survive the rest of your life too :) You know love is divine. If you are convincing some one to love you, then no. That's not love. If its not forever, its not love. True love doesn't judge, doesn't hurt. True love is like a baby's smile. Its pure and beautiful. Now, this is my opinion. Every body is entitled to their own opinions on love :) But that also means that every individual has a right to finally get the kind of love they have always wanted :) So if loving someone is giving you so much of pain, then its time to let them go. No love, no hatred. A lot of well wishes. And then you focus on yourself :) This way, you are letting yourself free.



15. Focus on yourself
This is again about loving yourself. Hit the gym. You'll love the svelte figure a month later. Go shopping. Buy new shoes. Wear a lot of lipstick. Leave your hair open. Pull it into a knot, sometimes. Get a library membership. Cuddle with a book by the window. Drink tea. And coke. Cheat your diet once a week. Laugh. Smile. Live. You get only one life to live, and if you do it well enough, you wont need another one. Flirt. Don't lead somebody on if you don't have any intentions of a relationship. Spritz a lot of perfume. Smell good all the time. Make new friends. Join a group. Volunteer. Play with kids. Clean your cupboard. Meditate. Dream. Talk to your parents. Help somebody deal with life. Get drenched in the rain. Make art. Listen to music. Go to movies. Cook. Dress up like its your birthday, every day. Read your horoscope at the end of the day to see if it matches ;) And then laugh in the face of the predictor. Dream big. Have a goal.

Someday I was talking to a friend who underwent a break up recently. When I asked her what was holding her back, she goes like, "Nam, if I move on too fast, he will feel bad know? Like he might think that it meant nothing to me. I don't want him to feel bad." I was like HUH?!?! And then I told her, "Look if he ever really loved you, he will be more than happy to see you happy. Just focus on yourself for now. We will assume for later". Because, that's the truth.

16. Have a new goal
I cant explain how immensely important this point is. Having a goal that you are super passionate about fires you up. If your dreams don't scare you, they are not big enough. Have a goal bigger than your whole existence. Something that will light your eyes up. Something for which you will slog and won't even complain. Something that keeps you so busy, exhausts the hell out of you, and you wont crave for a vacation. Mine is scaring me. Its too early to announce it so I wont :) I'll some time soon.

17. Its your life, take the damned control.
Its easy to feel  the need to be pampered, to be taken care of. To be back in the (loving?!) arms of your ex. But the point is, we are adults. And we should act like adults. Moping over the past and weeping is not all. Stop the stories in your head. Be in the reality, live for today. There is more to life, look at the bigger picture. Be somebody people look up to :) Be somebody's inspiration. Be the strong one. And don't fake the strength. Really be strong. From the insides. Don't let the sappy, sad Tumblr images get to you.



You know, sad, alone girls lying on the road wallowing about how they are alone. You are alone because you are lying on the road. Get up and go make some friends. Honestly, just be strong. Its a wonderful feeling to feel strong, to know that you are there for yourself. Be your own best friend.

And finally, don't run behind love. Love will find you when you least expect it. Until then, keep yourself busy.

Because once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale :)

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PS: This post is already lengthy, I couldn't tell everything on my mind. I'll include the rest of it in the next post. If you guys can give your inputs on how to move on, I shall include them too. This post might someday help somebody, so please shoot a comment :) 

16 comments:

  1. awww Namitha im proud of u :*

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  2. Namitha you are wise and mature beyond your years. After reading this post I have gained a deep respect for you. Im 12 yrs older to you but even I dont have such an outlook towards life after my horrible break up some years ago. Your words have touched my soul some where and though I have heard these words before many times I will say that coming from someone so young has impacted me....Thank you for this beautiful and inspiring post. I will bookmark this to read on the days I feel sorry for myself. God bless u sweetheart :)

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    1. Shikha, this is by far the most honest comment I have ever received :) thanks a bunch! Somebody who is much more mature than me thinks I am dealing with it the right way, then ofcourse I am doing it right :) *hugs*

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  3. You go girl!

    I don't remember reading you'd broken up before this, but I had an inkling since a few months that you did; your "piece of fiction" stories and monologues have so much life and emotion in them, they couldn't be written by someone who hasn't had even a tiny taste of those emotions :)

    I think every relationship, whether it works out or not, teaches you something - either about yourself or about others. At the very least, you learn what you don't want in life.

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    1. Aaww Vivienne :) Well ya, all those pieces were definitely inspired, but still, fictional. I would never really make my personal stories 'that' public :) The last couple of sentences are so true, atleast you'll know what you dont want. I shall add these lines in the next post, thank you love :)

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  4. I seriously don't know what to write ....

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    1. Awww Opal, I am good :* No need to worry :D

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  5. :D awesome awesome awesome !!!! :D \m/(^_^)\m/

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  6. Very well written. Each and every aspect of a breakup is mentioned in here and I cant't believe you have taken care of every emotion hanging as strings from a broken heart. We must all remember and remind ourselves these few lines:

    “You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you’re doing, where you are, who you’re with, and if you’re OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who could make you happy, really happy, dancing on air happy.”
    ― Cecelia Ahern

    And to all those stuck with the same loop of thoughts, this:

    It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.
    -Paulo Coelho

    Quotes always help, we all must stick notes of our favourite ones onto our minds. It helps :)

    And as you said, this too shall pass! :D

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    1. Miss Soliloquy, better words were never said! :* ILY, SO EFFING MUCH <3 I am simply copy pasting your comment with all due credits ;) <3 Thank you, my pillar of strength <3

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  7. Very expressive and mature, very insightful and extremely emotional. Also a new hairdo is a must after the breakup as the thinking goes, you want a fresh start & a new identity. :) :D

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    1. Haha thank you, Kashif :) Yes, hair cut tip is going onto next post :)

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  8. Indeed a Good read all the very best of luck :)

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