Monday 8 July 2013

Monologue : Speck

I am sitting by the window typing this. It's raining cats and dogs here, and the little droplets of water are misting up the lappy screen. And some are falling on my face, giving me a sense of bliss, a kind of serene peace. Bryan Adams is filling the voids of my soul, crooning in his God like voice. My hair is up in a messy knot, some tendrils are framing my face. There is a lone pimple on one cheek, and the kohl is a little smudged.

A million thoughts had clogged my mind these days. Of confusion, of betrayal, of disappointment and of despair. In the past couple of weeks, all I was seeking was an answer. I wanted an end to the endless emotions on the roller coasters.

I was tired of trying.

Of being strong.

Of consciously telling myself to be happy, to let go of things, to look at the bigger picture. I wanted to stop reading between the lines. The lil voices in my head were becoming way too loud.

I thought I had forgiven you, and forgotten you. I thought I had let you go. But there was also a thought that always said, "May be not, you know."


I hadn't.

When I heard your name the other day, something inside me died. And not in a good way.

A thought crossed my mind, a thought of the days that had died. The days that are in grave now, the past that bled to death.

The very thought revolted my whole body. I could feel a sense of rejection running through me, a violent jerk. I puked. Yea, gross. And that is when I knew, every atom in my existence, hated you. There is not a shred in me that wants you.

I broke down after so long. I wept. I wept so bad, the tears soaked my cheeks. I sobbed so hard, I was out of breath. I bawled, I cursed. I felt so unreal. My existence, I questioned. I wept the exact same way that I had wept that rainy night I had begged you.

And then I realized, I had indeed let you go. I had thrown you away from the depths of me. I had always thought that I'll love you till the end of time, but no. I won't. I don't have to.

You gave me summertime sadness.

But now, it's monsoon. It's the time of change. The time to flow. To pour. To drizzle, to mizzle. To love. To believe. To hope.

 Monsoon, is me.

I stood in the pouring rain and let it cleanse me. As time passed, the drops grew bigger than my tears. Every passing moment, it rained on me. I let go of every speck of your remains, of your thoughts, of your smell. Then I dropped to the ground, all the mess had gotten washed off me.

You lost the love I loved the most.

I discovered me. I wasn't anything that you had told me I was.

I was me. Pure, beautiful me.

I knew it now, I didn't have to be the bitch you claimed I was. I knew I wouldn't let the wounds turn me into the bitter person I dreaded I would be.

I was me - sweet and nice, adorable. And fabulous.

I took all your judgments and threw them into the trash can.

And then, I finally, let you go and set myself free.

Today, at this moment, this is me. I feel light and I feel free. The sighs aren't heavy anymore, they are sweet sighs.

I know, there will be a new batch of butterflies in my tummy. I know, I'll melt away in his arms some day. I know, he will love all my little quirks. I know, he will make me laugh, and when I laugh so hard that I fall, he will catch me. I know, he will lie down with me and count the stars. I know, he will hold me close when I go cold. I know, he will kiss me in the pouring rain.

He will search for the little giggly, giddy girl in me. The girl I believed had died."No", the pouring rains told me, "she hasn't died, she is just lost". He will find her and keep her safe. Because he loves her. Because he knows her. He knows her laughter all too well. He knows the fear in her eyes, he was the one that wiped all her tears away.

And when he finally comes for me, it will be Christmas. 'Cuz he taught the little girl about hope, about belief and about life. Because he re-instilled her faith in love. Because he told her she is lovable no matter what, and that he, loves her just the way she is - bitch and all. He held her tight and told her that it will all be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, it's still not the end. And because he taught her that, he will come by and live it with her.

Because love, is pure. Love is sweet. Love doesn't know suffering. Love doesn't judge. Love, is divine.

I don't hate you, I chose to raise above hate. You just fail to evoke any emotion in me. You are like a stone, you know. And guess what? You know this is the worst thing that could have happened to you with me. Not love, not hate. You don't matter to me to all.

Go now, walk away. I have set you free, I don't have anything of you left in me.

Not even a speck.

PS: This is a new series, a monologue. It's all a work of fiction. Hope you like it :)

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  1. Awesome Nammu!
    Pure depiction of emotions...
    Love reading such a kinds...
    Do write more :)

    1. Thank you Rajani, sure :) This series will be so :)

  2. Beautiful writing! I can't believe this is fiction, it's so emotionally intense. You make prose sound like poetry :)

    1. Aaww thank you Vivienne, just that I always put myself in a person's place and write ;) thanks a ton, you are very kind!:)


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