Friday 2 January 2015

How To Get Friendzoned - A Step By Step Guide

Yes, you read that right. Here is a fantastic guide to get friendzoned. I am writing it at the beginning of the new year to help y'all reach new heights and achieve triple stars in the art of getting friendzoned.

Okay so its just not the guys that always get friendzoned, okay? Infact, I have a PhD in getting friendzoned. Today, I was having a hilarious conversation with a bestie and it hit us right then, we are getting friendzoned all the time for some very specific reasons. Since I am always looking around for topics to showcase my proficiency, here, take this guide. 

*clears throat

Dear fellow-frequently-friendzoned-fellas,

Oh wait. 

What is friend zone

Friend-zone is that dreaded zone where your person of interest aka the human being that makes your heart flutter and gives you hyperventilation, and also makes you wonder if you've weird insects/animals inside your tummy, decides that you are a non-date-able entity. Like you're a cousin and they are no Lannisters. 

(PS: Game Of Thrones reference. If you don't know GOT, you deserve to be friendzoned. I WOULD friend-zone you in a heart beat)

Okay so how to get friendzoned?

1. Be sweet and accommodating. 

This is rule 1 of getting friend zoned. Chances are, if you are mean bitch who is known to leave a trail of broken hearts, or a playboy who gets a fresher girlfriend every year, you don't really get friendzoned. Because humans are programmed to running behind what can't be obtained. So, if you are nice to the object of your affection, it will mostly choose to ignore you because hey who wants a nice person when you can bloody chase a jerk? Oh the satisfaction of chasing a jerk :') The high one gets while the chasee (The one getting chased. I made up that word, BTW) ignores the life out of the chaser, ignoring text messages, grey ticks turned blue and no reply. Oh the joy of getting blocked and receiving a restraint order. So yea, be nice and gentle, talk and reciprocate and be helpful. Even if you don't let them smell the hearts in you, you'll successfully enter the coveted zone of "Oh he/she is so dependable and helpful, such a good friend :')" VOILA!

2. Be available

Yes, and get taken for granted. Your crush wants you to pick her up at 11 PM because she went drinking and is drunk out of her brains, RUN. If  your crush wants you to write his lab record for him, buy a damned Parker and start already! If the infatuation of your life is heart broken and bawling at 3 AM, listen because you're so entirely jobless. Atleast lose some sleep while you lose the love of your life. Be there, get taken for granted. Hello, friend zone.

3. Be funny, make them laugh

And you are instantly the latest stand up comedian in town. "OMG you are soooo funnnn.." *fails to complete sentence and falls off chair*. You're bloody hilarious, we all know. You can make a stone die laughing. *Don't ask me how can a stone die. I don't know* Since you can make them snort and laugh, and forget all the reasons why they were whiny in first place, you'll become a dependable asset for their personal issues' therapy sessions. That, my friend, is the reception center of friend-zone.

4. Be interesting

So you can slightly intimidate them. Know what is happening in the world, be informed. Have personal opinions and stand up for what you believe in. Don't be a doormat. You're supra-fabulous persona will intimidate the shit of the them. Now, nobody wants to look dumb, okay? When you die, you don't know you are dead. Everybody else knows and most people cry. That's the same thing about being stupid. Nobody wants to accept it when its their brain. (or the lack of it). Since you possess such super human powers like common sense, kindness, and being a good person in general, you're a valuable TRP increasing material. In case they date you, there is always a possibility of break up after which, they'll lose access to your massively overloaded brain. So, they'll send you to the fabulous land of Friend Zone.

5. Don't have commitment issues

This is the perfect way to get friendzoned. Its 100% fool proof, tried and tested, bhai. You see these days its kind of cool to have commitment issues. Commitment issues mean you've something to whine about. You can always blame your filthy ex for all the brainless, senseless shit you do - getting piss drunk? "Ex ki yaad aa rai hai :( " High? "Kameeney ki khoon pee jaaongi :x " Want to not date someone? "But I just got out of a long relationship. I am yet to move on". Want to friend zone someone? "You're such a perfect person, I don't want to lose you to a failed relationship." One very lovely line with which you'll get friendzoned - "You love so deeply ya, I can't just accept the fact that you HAVE to love someone. I mean c'mon? All life? " aka "You love so deeply ya, that means I can't mess around and explore my options and see what all others fishes are there in the sea and what if I get a fish with bigger boobs or a fish that makes 20x more money than you and own a BMW? What if my parents find me an aquarium which will house only two fishes - me and the BMW owning fish?"
So yea, the moment you inform the concerned-owning-your-heart-at-the-moment person that you are totally ready for a long term commitment, shaadi, bachche, ghar and future, kthnxbye. Have a safe trip to Friend Zone, Captain JustGotFriendZonedLikeABoss.

6. Take Care of Them

Ask them if they had their breakfast, offer them your dabba if they forgot to pack their own lunch. Offer to pick up their dry cleaning.  Babysit his cat even if you are allergic to feline specimens. Take care of his dog even if the damned canine hates you and wants to bite you off at your slightest movement around it. This makes you look attractive, wait-for-it, for the perfect friend-zone candidate. "Arre I had my lunch girl, you're such a mom" "Okay baba I won't get too drunk alright? You're there know to pick me up anyway? " . Do I really have to spell it out now?

7. Introduce them to friends and family

And the next thing you know you aced the friend zone aptitude with 99.98 percentile. Because who wants to be provided with a sense of security? So boring ya. Plus, you're moving too fast okay? I mean you met like 2 years ago, you are already telling your mommy that you're out with them? WTH, ya?

8. Sincerely try understanding them

Know what they like and dislike. So when they ask you to order their breakfast, you'll know they're lactose intolerant. Know her daddy issues and try being the man in her life without smothering her, she'll love you like a brother. Because friendzone is so main stream,you'll enter the blessed brother zone. Understand that he doesn't respond to text messages instantly 'cuz his ex broke his heart because her pet goldfish died and it took her 345.67 years to reply to his message with a "K". He will friend zone you so beautifully, with a heart warming explanation of how you are the only person who understands him so well that he wants to date all other bitches and get his heart broken.  The explanations here will be so heart felt, you'll hate yourself and scold yourself for ever hitting on them in first place. What were you thinking ya?

9. Be a decent human being in general

That drives potential boyfriend/girlfriend crazy. Crazily at-least 300 km away from you. If you are a courtesy less moron who doesn't talk good to waiters and servants, if you always have a trumpet mouth about how you effin' rock at the shit things you do, if you are crappy, in general, my friend, they'll fall in love with you. Mark my words.

10. Don't have swag, be yourself

Yes. Do not wear flashy pendants that scream fake, do not carry your Louis Vuitton bag that everyone knows you bought in flea market. Carry decent brands with you if you can't afford the big labels. You don't even have to own a brand, I mean, c'mon, naam bhi toh kya cheez hai? Just be yourself. Don't fake knowledge. Don't yap off about your achievements, even if you are employee of the century. That way, you'll get friendzoned because you're so humble and down to earth and such a true person.

11. Breathe

This works, its backed by laboratory research. Maa kasam.

So these tips if followed, even one, or in any order, will get you admission into friend zone. 100% placement guarantee - you'll get promotion also - best friend, friend forever, mega best friend, super best friend, bhaiyya/behen/bhai.

Lets now take a moment of silence for all our brothers and sisters deep, deep in friend zone.

Oh and if you still think it will go somewhere, someday, you're obviously retarded ;')

Count me in, by the way.

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  1. Hey I had such fun reading this post! Very interesting indeed :-)

  2. I am at loss of words to exactly describe how much i enjoyed this post !!!! My cute hunny bunny - i loved it - twas THE BEST !! I m still rofl-ing. :):):)


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