Warning: Long post ahead.
Hi. Long time no see. How you been? I miss the old days, when you were 16 and would talk to me all day, you know. You liked me back then. Anyway so, how are you? How is life treating you these days? Anything if going by what I saw you doing today, its doesn't all seem fine, darling. When?, you ask? Well, when you crashed on your bed and cried into your pillow. Big fat tear drops ran down your cheeks while you sobbed and lost breath. Oh, baby. What happened? I swear to God, when you hugged me like that, I felt your loneliness. But why, I ask. What happened to you that you have lost all hope? Why are you so cynical? Don't you turn your face away from me like that, okay? We have some real talking to do today.
Remember your 16th birthday? Your best friends had surprised you that morning with mom? How happy were we, huh? Do you remember jumping up and down hopping around your bedroom? I remember, I saw you push away hair from your eyes while the whopping continued. Do you remember singing into your hairbrush all night, almost every night? Baby do you remember the twinkle in your 16th year old self when you felt like a princess every morning you preened? Hmm? What ever happened to that girl? The sweet little rock star that always just knew she could claim the whole damned world? Where's the confidence now? What is up with you? Why the melancholy? Why this nonchalance? You are 21, for fuck's sake. People would kill to be what you are today. That's right. I know, you are hurt. I know, you feel out of place, day in and day out. I know, you are struggling and holding in tears, barely making through the day until you get to crash into nights. But why, is all ask. Why are you tormenting yourself, petal? Why this sudden disbelief in yourself? Why are you being so hard on yourself? I know the heartbreak was bad, I know that GPA isn't still high enough for you, I know 10 year olds are achieving more than you have in 20 years. But hey, calm down, okay? Why are you comparing and contrasting your life to someone else's when you have no idea about their journey? Even if you did, its their life and yours is this. Let me tell you,doll, nobody will love you more than you love yourself. If you don't have faith in yourself, how can you expect anybody else to?
Talking about everybody else, why does approval matter so much to you, sunshine? Why do you wait all day for one careless 'hey!' from him? Now c'mon, we both know its careless. Why do you have to be the one doing all the trying and waiting? I'll tell you what? People that want to be in your life will make an effort to stay, always. Mark my words. I have proved you right all the time. Alright? Just stop, be in the moment. In this mad rush of being at par with people, of wanting to be pretty all the time, of having to be the best at everything, you are losing this moment. This very moment that you are breathing. You scroll through Instagram while you have your breakfast, you answer phone calls while an eye stays on Thought Catalog, while you bear the honks of the traffic, you are planning dinner. While you finally have dinner, your thoughts are in the tomorrow. Stop. Now. Relax. Calm down. You don't always have to have a plan B, you know. Sometimes, most times, plan A is good enough. Now I ain't telling don't plan B, but well, you don't have to mess up the living on plan A with the planning of plan B. Okay? Stay in the now, relax. We all know you are infinitely capable of every damned thing in the whole wide world okay? We just do, and you know it too.
Starting now, stop. Stop running through one moment to the next. Stop the anxiety scrolls. You don't have to check your phone for notifications every five minutes, 'cuz as far as I know, they beep or light up and guess what? They can wait. Don't be a slave to the number of likes and hearts, or followers or number of views. Okay? Calm down. Breathe. When you look at yourself in the mirror, smile and mean it. Nobody sees that pimple or blackhead like you magnify it to. Nobody really cares that you ain't a Victoria's Secret model. Eat right, work your ass off and let it be just that. For fuck's sake, eat. Its just a cookie. Yes, choose food over thigh gaps. Its fuckin' okay to goddamn eat. Next time, don't give your power away to a guy. Let it be. If things are meant to be, they'll be. Don't sit around and scrutinize every single message of his. Let me let you in on a secret. No guy ever plans a text like you think he does, they are pretty dumb and clueless most times. But if you do find one who actually plans and plays hard to get, walk away and make it easier for him :) because you know why, sweetie? You deserve someone who looks at you like may be you are magic. Because when you are ready to give love like that, then you very well deserve someone who will love you like that :) Yes, for every girl with a broken heart, there is a boy with a glue gun. Well well, now don't go in search of him, because anything you chase in life runs away. Be in the now and do your own thing, when the time is right, he will walk in and sweep you off your feet. Life is a fairytale, know?
So next time when it rains on your way back home, through the damned umbrella away. Don't curse the rain. Jump into puddles like you always did as a 16 year old. Its very fuckin' much okay, okay? Get back home, walk into a shower and really just feel the warmth of water. Then wear warm and sip on coffee by the window sill. Let little drops of water splash into your cup of coffee, you loved it back then. And then read your favorite book. Work may be, ya know. Work like you are the boss of it, own that shizz. You very well know you have it in you to conquer what ever it is, don't you? Just do it. Get off your ass and work it off, the satisfaction of victory is fantastic. Don't be lazy, love. When you go to sleep every night, make sure you tell yourself how much you love yourself. If not, call me. I will. Because you know why baby? Your mistakes don't define you. Sure, they've made you the person that you are today, but that's about them. That's why they are called mistakes know? Its alright. Live life the way you want to, life is pretty darn beautiful. Be kind to yourself and just really live. Love doesn't always hurt,sweetheart. I know its such a cliche, but one day someone will walk into your life and then you'll understand why it never worked out with anybody else. Have the patience to wait till then, okay? Don't you ever settle, darling.
I have spoken to you enough for the day, eh? Now wipe those tears away and wash that beautiful face. You are always beautiful, whether you feel it or not. Nobody cares that you don't think so, because we know so :) Go channel that 16 year old that sang into hairbrush, jump on your bed all you want. Eat a chocolate bar bigger than your head. Breathe. Deep. You are good enough.
You are fuckin' fantastic, actually.
Lots of love,
PS: Self talks like granny used to talk to me, minus the cursing, ofcourse. I miss her. If she is reading this from up there, I hope she will be proud of me. I hope that star that twinkled at me an hour ago was you, ajji. I miss you.