Tuesday 10 March 2015

A Chapter In The Story Of My Life.

"Your past is just a story", they say. For an over-thinker like me, I believe that the sins, mistakes and regrets, they all are what make us what we are today. In everybody's story, there are those chapters that pin point and explain why anybody is the way they are. I think, if one has the patience to look through these chapters, it helps understand and connect at a deeper level with a person :) 
So, my story. My #StartANewLife is one of the most important stories of my life. Its your typical story of a heartbroken love lorn girl. But then, its my story. And I believe that this story, my story, is what has made me the person I am today. 

Two years ago, one very unsuspecting night, my relationship ended. Out of the blue, I was out of a bond that was the whole point of existence, back then. I did the typical breakup things, you know. I got a new haircut, posted Marlyn Monroe quotes, sobbed my nights away, took up on vanishing from the social media. I even contemplated deleting this blog of mine. Stupid, I know.  I just wanted to go invisible. 

For starters, I was an emotional fool. You see, when you are too obsessed in your own story, its difficult to step out of the picture for a while and look at it with a different prospective. I wholeheartedly believe that all our so called problems, are really just 50% of what they seem to be. We tend to magnify and enlarge them in the figment of our minds, and let them take control over us, don't we? My own breakup served as a wake up to me because hey, I wasn't the first broken heart to ever walk the planet. It wasn't easy, starting a new life. It took me weeks before I even convinced myself to walk out of my bed and face the world. It was comfortable, staying in my slump wishing the days away, wanting my own little perfect heart world back. Because who likes change? Comfort zone is called so for a reason, eh? 

But I did. One of the sleepless nights, I decided it was enough. The moping had gotten the better of me. So I decided to take control. It was like a switch flipping inside me. I wanted to feel better, and I wanted to get over my whiny self. You see, I didn't want to focus on moving on because that meant, I had to focus on all the things that related to and reminded me of my ex. I chose to lock down that part of me for a while while I gave my own complete attention to myself. Some might say its unhealthy, the not confronting the inner gremlins. But personally, it was easier for me to take one step at a time and become a better me. After all, self worth and happiness go hand in hand. I truly believe that if you don't love yourself enough, you'll forever be chasing people that don't love you either :) 

So the next morning, I woke up to the rising sun. I am not even kidding about it, I am NOT a morning person. In fact its been a while I woke up at 6 AM to go for a run.  But that morning, I did. I had to start somewhere and I chose fitness as the first step. I put on my worn out running shoes, and clutching to a bottle of water, I started with a jog. Fifteen minutes down that early morning, my heart was in my mouth. That's what happens if you have allowed yourself to become a sedentary couch potato that stuffs food into mouth for no apparent reason. Emotional over binge eating is real. Yet, I continued jogging at a slower pace. Each cell in my body fought against me that very morning because I was supposed to be sulking in bed and hating myself for the large pizza from the last night. 

After 40 minutes, when I faced myself in the mirror, I knew. I knew I could handle this. 

Thus began a whole new life :) I ate right, I trained hard. All of that stuff wasn't like how they show in movies, you know. It was not all pink and rainbows. I had frequent relapses of sadness. Oreos and cheesecakes were still the idea of lunch at-least twice a week. The number of soda bottles were reduced, but weren't non existent. Sullen monologues and speeches still took up considerable space in my brain. I won't say heart because my heart was getting stronger from all the cardio and weight lifting. All I am saying is, I found refuge in fitness. Pounds came of easily in the beginning weeks. It added to my confidence and ironically, also lack of determination. "I lost 2 pounds. YAY! 4500 calories worth dessert tonight!" So, my weight fluctuated though I was mostly losing it. But I didn't give up. I hoarded fitness quotes and motivation. Because motivation is like taking a shower. Its recommended everyday. 

I learnt to look at how magnificent everything around is. I learned to quietly marvel at nature. I drowned myself in words. I resumed reading novels and found solace through my favorite authors. I even wrote millions of words of which, most are still drafts on my dashboard here. I learned to be more accommodating and less judge-y. I tried to understand another person's prospective because 5+4 = 9 but so is 2+7 :) I appreciated every little joy and treasured every other life that was remotely concerned about me. We all tend to take life and the people in it for granted. We shouldn't :)

Most of all, I learnt to talk it out. I talked for hours with my girls. I wonder if I somehow deepened their ear canals, what with all the sulk! The more I spoke about it, I found it easier to face my own story.  Somewhere down the lane, I think we all need to accept our own stories first. Staying in denial is fantastic, but it takes us no where. Its crucial that we accept our own stories, doesn't matter whether we are at peace with them or not. Owning up to our imperfect selves is really important to focus on our own lives. I am not asking you to go around and publish your most intimate fears and stories, all I am saying is, having honest conversations with just one loved one too, has a therapeutic effect. It did stop me from slipping deeper into clinical depression.

As days passed by, I became better. I was happier, I was warmer and made hell lots of new friends. So much so that I almost had no time to sit and feel sorry for myself. Self pity, after a while, tends to be extremely toxic. Walking out of my own head and actually doing the things I had always wanted to do helped me stop wishing the days away. After almost an year, I was almost fine. I still faced the inner critic in me, and even to this day, I do. 

I worked through issues of commitment, trust, eating disorders and other fancy additions that come around when your relationship breaks. I am working on them even to this day, except I am less of a cynical bitch. I fell in love with various forms of working out - I now run, lift, and also do zumba. I also eat healthier and continue to have my pig days of large pizza. Just that now, I know I can burn the calories away. I have also become way more self obsessed and self involved, in a healthy way. There are days when I look at my single status and wonder, "I will probably marry myself but that's okay because I am awesome!" :D You see the change in attitude? 

I am still not perfect. But I am perfectly imperfect in my own way and now I know, the choice is always mine. Life will throw curve balls with absolutely no warnings and its up to us, to deal with them. Now that I am here telling you my story, I think its brave. Bold steps are the ones that you, not anybody else, but you, take. Because until you give up and say its over, its not :)

Here is a lovely video from Housing.com, a place you should totally go check out if optimism, inspiration and innovation are your things too. Oh, and 10x better real estate :)

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PS:  Let me know how you liked it.
PPS: Too much I talk, I know.
PPPS: Hi there, you :)

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