It feels like a violation. More of a chaos than bliss, to fall in love again. Its a brand new nostalgia. Its terrifying, devastating. Its a trip back down the memory lane, except its all new, its all alien.
Every little thing he does is so new, so fresh. My reactions are well, stale. The feelings that I have felt before. Years ago, nonetheless. But old, yes. Every time he smiles, the litter of butterflies take just an extra moment to flutter. Because they were shot to death years ago, now, they are cautious. He deserves better, really. He deserves the love of a girl who is not scared to love. I am not scared, really. I love him, I already do. But I can't yet tell this boy, that. I might not ever be able to tell him that. Emotions scare this boy. Its too soon, well. If I were a boy, I would be scared of the intensity of my emotions too. I am scared of my own emotions, actually. They run too deep.
Because I love so fiercely, because I embrace the whole being of what he is, its a turmoil to call it falling in love again. Because I haven't fallen in love in a while, falling for this boy seems like a hopeless thing to do. Because he is so annoyingly perfect, it is impossible not to fall for him. Because he is at once the mayhem and peace of my life already, its difficult not to love him already. Because he fits in so easily into my being, I cannot not love this boy. Because this boy is the boy the quote told me about, "For every girl with a broken heart, there is a boy with a glue gun". Because whether he knows it or not, he is my boy with the glue gun. And because love doesn't scare me anymore, I can love him. And because he is scared of love, I can't tell him I love him. Yet.
It causes pure panic, to see myself lose into him. To see my being disintegrate every passing day. To watch myself collapse into the perfection that he is. To crumble on my own will. To dissolve into a puddle of free flowing emotions. To hear the breaking of the boundaries I have built around myself. To notice this boy shatter my mask and walk nearer and nearer to all the tender in me, the tender I claim to not possess, its disastrous. To be proven wrong, oh, it feels so right to have been proven wrong.
Every time I catch myself smiling at the mere mention of his name, I die a little inside. To willingly give my power away. What is more annoying is that, he never asked for it. He never forced it away from me. He just is and I willingly give me power away, each day. Knowing that I might very well be setting myself up for a catastrophic heart break, I willingly give my power away.
You know why? Because I was damaged once. And I survived. That's why, damaged people are dangerous.
And that is why, falling in love the second time is more of a reality, less of a fairy tale. The childlike innocence is replaced by the layer of known. The sparks might very well extinguish. The chemistry might burn me down when it fades away. One morning I might wake up to no "Good morning, beautiful :)". One evening I might cry my broken heart over diluted whiskey. I might even drunk call this boy.
But after all that, I will be okay. I will cry over my broken heart, but I won't claim the non-existence of love. I will sulk for days, but I won't lose faith. I will get a new haircut, color my hair a shade of blood, but I won't lose myself.
That's is the sad irony of hearts that fall in love again. The love that was never meant to be forgotten gets forgotten. The new love that proved many a right things might be the wrong love in the course of time. And the heart will fall in love again, the nth time, and the feelings will be stale. The smiles will be new, the warmth will be new. The tears that ran down a while ago, the tears that will run down the cheeks when the new love becomes old love, will be stale. Stale hearts, new love.
So when he holds my hand for the very first time, I will still feel a chill down my spine. When he kisses me for the first time, I will cherish the warmth of his mouth on mine. When his fingers tap the nape of my neck, I will glow in the heat of his breath. When his palm lingers on the small of my back, I will look into his eyes and acknowledge his longing. When he pulls me closer when he is half asleep and wedges his face in the crook of my shoulder, I will run my fingers through his perfect hair and kiss him tenderly. When he asks me to button his shirt, I will stand on my toes and plant a peck on his nose. When he greets me with my favorite flowers after a day's hard work, I will dissolve into his arms. When he takes my palm in his, and petrified in his nervous voice, tells me that he loves me, I will hold him like the precious thing he is, and tell him that I love him too. For forever and after.
Because love is meant to be so. Life is meant to be so. It will tear you down and knock you to ground. It will bring you to your knees and you'll yearn for freedom from the pain. You'll lose faith in love and hope in forever afters. You'll also learn to grow up. You'll realize that all hearts deserve love. Even the battered ones. You'll realize that sometimes hearts break so they can accommodate other broken hearts in their cracks.
So I will let myself fall for this boy. This perfect haired, extremely sweet heart-ed, the cutest ever smile-d boy. I will fall like all of the gravity is acting on me. Pulling me towards him like he's the only one that matters.
Because that's how love happens. You fall, knowing he might not very well be ready to catch you. But you'll still fall, because you have faith in your power to get back up again, just in case.
That's the worst kind of fall, knee scraping and scab causing. Scarring. But it's also the best kind of fall.
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PPS: I scribbled this after reading these lines. "He wants to say "I love you" but keeps it Goodnight. Because love means some falling and she's afraid of heights. " "She wants him to say "I love you" but he keeps it at Good night. Though bruised and battered, for him, she would leap heights". I was just ruminating on the repercussions of falling in love over and over again. *Does anybody know the source of these lines, by the way? So beautiful!*
PPPS: What do you think? :)