Stilettos

My head feels heavy. I am feeling dizzy. There is a blur in front of my eyes - a constantly moving blur of a sea of colors - blue, green, pink and yellow in all their glory - neon tones against a dark background. The blaring music is deafening me. I want to hold my head in my hands. Its pounding. Its like my skull is getting hammered. I am sitting on this couch in the farthest corner. My favorite red dress is a little crumpled now, it was perfect three hours ago. The hem lines have ridden up to my thighs leaving them bare. The chill sneaking in from the balcony beside me is making me cold. My hair is a slight mess. There is a thin line of sweat beads under my nose. I am trying to stand up, but no. My feet gave up half an hour ago. All the dancing in 5 inch stilettos have taken a toll on me. When was the last time I danced? A week ago? I am raking my aching brain for an answer. The dark, hazy image in front me is  worsening my headache. After three failed attempts to get up, I try for one last time. With a very conscious effort, I stand up and almost simultaneously catch the guy next to me. I don't know who he is, all I know is he is similar to me in one aspect - hazy and delusional. He grasps my waist and I violently push him away, a stream of curses flows from my mouth. Agitated, he drops me and I am fast enough to catch the doorknob and a curtain next to me. I tipsy walk my way to the washroom, its just four steps away.

I push the door open and collapse on the white cushion.

The doors bangs shut behind me. This feels so much better than the chaos outside. I can still hear the faint music, but this part of the pub is detached from the rest. Just like me. A part of the world, and still so away, so distant. Detached. I bend down and wriggle my foot out, one at a time. I can feel a sharp ache that is steadily going dull as I stretch my feet. Oh, this feels so much better. I lean back and get comfortable. After five minutes, I feel a lot better. I am starting to feel sleepy. I get up wanting to splash some water on my face. This is not the time to fall asleep. Careful not to collapse down again, I get up. In eight steps, I am clutching the granite slab. I am so proud of myself to have made it to the basin without falling down and with my phone in my hand. I throw all my weight on my palms as I steady myself against the slab. My feet still hurt, but this pain is any day better than the pain when the stilettos are on. Or the dull ache in my heart. I smile to myself as I remember a quote - Smart women wear their pains like their stilettos. No matter how much it hurts, they'll still put in below their feet, walk all over, keep their head high and never complain. No matter how much it hurts. Unconsciously, I turn the tap on. A gush of water flows out. I cup my fingers and splash the running water on my face. Its cold. I splash once again. This definitely feels good. Heaving a heavy sigh, I look at the mirror. Its the first time I have caught myself in there after walking into the washroom.

My hair which was perfectly straight when I left home has given way to soft waves. They are now framing my face. Some tendrils have gotten wet with the water I just splashed myself with. They are sticking to my cheeks. I brush them away expecting the black stain of mascaras on my cheek. Nope, my mascara is waterproof. The foundation has faded away a little, revealing some redness on my skin. The perfect porcelain skin isn't really mine, it's just a mask. The red lipstick has faded away too. There is a very pale hint of it on my lips now. My red dress has slipped a little on one side, revealing a transparent strap. Jeez! Was it seen all this while? Wait. How did it come out?! Oh wait. Do I care? As my eyes dart down, I see the crumple has increased. I smile at my body. My perfectly carved, curved body. All the slogging in the gym has definitely paid off. I think I am proud of myself, just a little. I decide to call up my friends, it's been almost an hour and I have no clue where they are. Dancing away, I think. Right then, the redness on my toned shoulder catches my attention. I let my fingers go feel the redness. I can feel the dent in my skin now. I am also beginning to sense it start to burn. A hickey? How the hell did I get it there? How the hell did I get one in first place? Wait, who the hell was? I don't remember a thing. Eight shots of tequila was definitely a very bad idea. I remember I hadn't eaten anything this afternoon.

Questions start bombarding me. Questions about the hickey, the unknown guy being the reason behind it, the crazy number of shots. A wave of emotions hit me. The girl in the mirror continues to stare at me. I can see the question marks in her eyes. Or are they blank? Unable to bear her stare, I look down. I look back after a few moments, she is still there. With the same questions in her eyes. There are a million emotions in them. There she is. There, my integrity. She is there, questioning me. Accusing me of breaking her down. Accusing me of tainting her name. Demanding me answers for everything that I have done in the past few weeks. The dozen rebound guys, the innumerable crushes, the horrid drinking, the amount of cigarettes that have gotten burnt between my fingers. The dope. The almost-had-it-hook-up. She is standing there accusing me of torturing her to madness. I can feel her telling me how insane I am. Rather how insane I have gone in the past few days. She is asking me for the girl that she knows. The girl-next-door. Th girl that always listened to Riya. The one that had no clue about the pints, shots, tequila, vodka and cider. The one that didn't do hookah. The girl that believed in love. The girl that was known as "aaww she is a sweet kid". She is telling me that she has no clue who this bitch she is talking to right now is. The one that is on a down rail. The one that swears like a sailor. She doesn't know this girl that gets drunk every night. The girl that gets so drunk that she deals with a hangover like its everyday business. She tells me she doesn't know this girl at all. I am astonished. I mean what the hell right? How can my integrity not know me? I am about to laugh in her face and tell her how ridiculous she is being and my eyes fall on the transparent strap. And something hits me. Yes, now I know how it came out. I feel the heat get off my cheeks. There is a new batch of hot waves engulfing my body. Now I know, this girl doesn't know me. I feel so alone. I feel helpless. I want to scream, tear my hair. My whole body is trembling. I am going mad. As tears start streaming down my face, I collapse down to the floor and start bawling. I am sobbing. I am sobbing after so long. I am going out of breath. The tears are blurring my vision. Every thing is a blur again. With trembling fingers, I take my phone from the slab and dial 1 on speed dial. He picks it on first ring.


"Oh god where are you?! We have been searching for you from an hour! Why didn't you pick your phone? For Christ's sake can you? Hey are you weeping? Baby you alright? Where you?" I am bawling more as I hear Dhruv's voice.

"Sweetie listen to me, please? Tell me where are you?"

"Washroom", I stutter incoherently. "I'll be there in a minute" "Riya, she is in the washroom. Let's go get her", I can hear him telling my bestie.

Within minutes, Riya is by my side clutching me tight. "What happened to you? Where were you? Why are you weeping? My poor baby!", she is hugging me tight. She helps me stand up and takes me out. Dhruv is right there at the entrance. He takes me into his arms, Riya couldn't take all my weight on her. I bawl more when I feel his arms getting tightened around me. "Its okay baby, you are safe. We are here", he kisses my forehead and rustles my hair.

The last memories I have is of getting into the car, Riya by my side.

As the harsh sunlight hits my eyes, I wake up. I am in my apartment in last night's clothes. After two minutes of blinking, my brain is suddenly functional. I jump out of my bed to examine my dress. I am relieved to find no puke stains. Thank god for that.

"Look who is up!", Riya walks into my room as I continue examining my red dress.

I look at her and before I open my mouth, she is by my side with a tall glass of orange juice.

"Not a word until you brush, gulp this down", she says with a no-nonsense face. I know its not wise for any nonsense now.

I settle down on my bed after the juice. Boy, this feels so much better. I pop a pill before the hangover hits me full force.

"Last one for a long time to go", I promise Dhruv. He is by my side glaring at the pill and the fingers holding it.

A cup of water rinses the pill down my tired body.

Dhruv is there, looking at me like I am a precious thing. I rise my eyebrow at him. He smiles, he smiles like its killing him to smile.

"What? I am okay! It was an accident last night, I didn't know it was so many shots. Don't give me gyaan now okay? I am 26 for crying out loud, I know how to handle myself and my life. Don't preach now, I know your preachy-face", I protest, unwilling to take his sympathy.

"Sure then. I'll leave. Let me know if you need anything", he gets up and straightens his shirt to leave.

In the few moments of him leaving by my side and reaching my door, the girl I met yesterday is by my side. She doesn't speak a word. She is sitting there, crossing her legs and arms, fingers of her right hand tapping softly on the elbow of the left. "This is what I was talking about. You know? Love and stuff like that! Looks like I have to finally give up on you", she gets up to leave.

"No!", I scream.

"Huh?", Dhruv turns back and looks at me, puzzled.

"No! Don't leave!", in eight swift steps, looking like I almost ran, I am in front of him. There are new tears.

In a split second, my arms are around his neck. As the tears start to wet my skin, my lips are on his. I close my eyes, I want to sense the bitch leaving me. Dhruv is now holding me close to him, all my weight on him.

He pulls back for a few moments, and looks at me, amazed. A slow smile curves his lips and the next moment I know, they are on mine.

He carefully sits down on the bean bag while pulling me down with him.

As I pull back and wipe my lips, he is grinning wide. I can still see a hint of doubt and fear in his eyes.

"What happened?", he is puzzled.

"Love happened", I smile and nuzzle under his chin. The one place that has always given me peace, the arms of eight years' friend. Best friends, that's what the world calls them know?

As I drown in his cologne, he strokes my cheek. He is patting my back. I know, we don't have to talk.

I look into my room. She is standing at the door, my integrity. She is smiling at me. The first time ever after having met her yesterday. I can see the bliss on her face. Its like she is telling me, that everything is okay.

I smile back.

My stilettos are there, right next to Dhruv's sneakers.


PS: This is a work of fiction. I have no clue as to how it is to be drunk/passing out :D The facts are courtesy of my friends that have a clue :) This is how I think a heart broken girl gone bad would probably behave. Also, I don't know anybody in real life like the girl described above. No offence intended to anybody :) Apologies for any factual mistakes. The image doesn't belong to me. Here is the link to it.

Hope you like it :)

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